The More List
In 2022 every journal entry revolved around whether it was time to retire. The decision was not a light one. I was 52. I'd been in my job 19 years and was good at it. I was traveling, often internationally. I had my passport number memorized. My co-workers liked me and I felt I was a good leader. But, there was stress.
Since 2015 I'd been leading the development of software and hardware used for ophthalmic clinical trials. Frequently, the testing needed by intraocular lens (IOL) makers to establish to the FDA or foreign regulatory bodies that their new lenses improved vision in a meaningful way, and probably just as importantly, did not harm it. These trials often involved a dozen ophthalmology clinics scattered around the US or other countries and required a very strict testing protocol. One can imagine the large amounts of dollars these trials demand. The technical expertise and responsibility was mine.
With complex demands, many things could go wrong, be forgotten, be unclear, undocumented, poorly explained or otherwise cause havoc. Despite outwardly not appearing a perfectionist, I hate failure. I placed immense pressure on myself because I understood what was at stake. Yes, I had a great team behind me, but the need to execute flawlessly was on me.
It got to the point I was needing Xanax to calm the nerves, to get back to sleep, to stave off the panic attacks. This was not even close to the darkest time in my life, but it was the first time I sought outside help to manage the anxiety. Journaling about the demands, the pressure and finally the long decision to retire was natural as I am a writer at my center.
One day it occurred to me as I was journaling, what did I want more of in my life? I knew what I wanted less of. I wanted less of the back & forth commute from Door County to Chicago and I wanted less stress. I wanted to take less Xanax. But what did I want more of?
So I listed it.
MORE
Road trips
Camping
Hiking
S'mores
Fires
Reading
Writing
Dog
Cycling
Astronomy
Photography
Family
Friends
Food
Drinks
Baking
Music
Theater
Church
Travel
Convertible drives
I'd invite you to try the same. I just wrote down anything that came to mind over about 5 minutes. Is the list perfect? No. Did I forget things? Absolutely. But I started with the things I'd put on the back-burner during my career, especially the last 7 years. My cycling miles were down. I'd stopped racing bikes. I wasn't baking. I wasn't reading. I hadn't been out under a dark sky with my telescope in years.
The question I'm circling in 2026 is how do I get more of these into my life now that I'm retired? Coming up with a good system for being sure to schedule these weekly, monthly, or seasonally has been my latest challenge. However, I'm trying. I know what I want in my life. Time I have plenty of without the 6AM - 10PM of email, Teams, Zoom and the rest. There isn't a last check to be sure Asia is ok or the groggy check with the alarm to confirm that Europe is doing fine. Now I'm waking up with the sun.
The dog is next to me. He's on the list. Until next time, Kevin
